Five Things Microsoft Definitely Probably Hates, If The Next Xbox Rumors are True

Yep, we’re pretty sure this is what it will look like. No question.

Edge Online recently unveiled some rumors surrounding the next Xbox, leaving some of us asking that age-old question we often asked when we are attacked by an outside entity: “Why Do They Hate Us?” Here’s the answer, assuming all of this stuff is true.

5. Microsoft hates controllers, i bet

“…while improved Kinect hardware will also ship alongside the unit.”

I’m not against progress. By all means, let’s continue to innovate and experiment. That’s how light bulbs and new continents are invented and discovered. But here’s the rub: controllers work just fine. In fact, they work great! While novelty accessories are great for parties, forcing everyone to pay up front for their ill-conceived, poorly implemented Kinect technology is not. That’s just mean.

4. Microsoft hates you without a subscription to their network probably

“A new iteration of Xbox Live will be an integral part of Microsoft’s next console…”

Xbox Live does provide a marginally better experience than other free online services. But when I have to pay a monthly fee just to access another service I already pay a monthly fee to access (Netflix) I can’t help but feel a little ripped off.

3. Microsoft totally hates people without the internet

“Microsoft’s next console will require an Internet connection in order to function…”

Little to no internet? Not Microsoft’s problem. Come back when you have some.

2. Microsoft hates used games, ugh they hate them so much

“…ruling out a second-hand game market for the platform.”

Killing the used games market? Good! It will keep people honest, and punish thieves for stealing from hard working developers. That local used mom and pop game shop that also sells Mario belt buckles, NES games as well as brand spanking new games? Gone. Who needs local small businesses anyways?

1. Microsoft hates poor people. So so much. 

With used games, we’re left with buying new. Period. Can’t afford a $60 game after dropping a month’s salary on the latest game console? Well you probably shouldn’t be playing games anyways, isn’t there some overtime or extra shifts you should be taking anyways?