9 Ways to Save Christianity from Ruin While Still Playing Your Nintendo

“. . . even if you’re fleeing from the collapse of Western civilization as we know it, there’s no reason you can’t bring your Nintendo.”

Written by C.T. Casberg / Published on April 1, 2017

If you haven’t had your nose in the evangelical Twittersphere lately—and we certainly don’t blame you if you haven’t—then you’ve likely missed the stink raised over BO.

We better explain that one.

Conservative commentator and exiled Jedi knight Rod Dreher launched a new book last month titled The Benedict Option, and it’s generated no end of fractious debate in religious circles. Dreher believes we’re entering a kind of moral Dark Ages thanks to postmodernism, progressivism, and all sorts of other long words, and the best thing for believers of good conscience to do is hunker down with other like-minded folk in their community and wall off their faith from the influences of evil, wicked, and just plain mean secularism. Dissatisfied with the details of Dreher’s plan, some writers have ginned up their own “Option” to see us through our culture’s free-fall into utter depravity. The weather’s a bit apocalyptic out there, it seems.

Dreher believes that Saint Benedict of Nursia saved the church from ideological forces that would have caused its demise by founding Western monasticism.

(By the way, the title of Dreher’s book does not refer to a certain breakfast item, but to St. Benedict, a popular 6th century blogger.)

Not to be left behind in this important, traffic-generating debate, we here at Gamechurch would like to offer the contemplative nerd our own alternative videogame-inspired Options. After all, even if you’re fleeing from the collapse of Western civilization as we know it, there’s no reason you can’t bring your Nintendo.

 

Just like that . . . sorry for the image, we recognize that all 3D Sonic games are terrible.

1. The Sonic the Hedgehog Option

 

 

To escape the robotic forces of secularism, tuck yourself into a ball and start spinning real fast. When you’re all revved up (you’ll hear a high-pitched sound), roll yourself to safety through rollercoaster-shaped terrain, sucking up as many gold rings as you can along the way. You’ll need those for the boss fight against Jill Stein.

 

 

Give those lazy, entitled, good-for-nothing Goombas the what for!

2. The Super Mario Option

 

 

There’s no helping it: Bowser’s Occupy Mushroom Kingdom movement has conquered the land. It’s time to don your brown overalls and red cap and parkour your way to the Flagpole of Safety at the monastery. As you kick turtles and stomp on sentient muffins throughout your journey, be sure to eat all the stray mushrooms, flowers, and stars you find. This will sustain your prayer life.

 

If you don’t know what the green boot is, you are not worthy of this option.

3. The Super Mario Brothers 3 Option

 

 

Bop that secularist Goomba on the noggin and climb inside his Green Shoe. If possible, establish an order of monks inside the Green Shoe. No harm can come to those within the Green Shoe. Once inside the Green Shoe, shake your fist and shout defiantly, “O death, where is thy sting?”

 

 

This will sustain your prayer life.

4. The Grand Theft Auto Option

 

 

First, shoot this drug dealer and—er, first, steal that car and—er, first, pay the prostitute and—er. Huh. Let’s just move on.

 

 

We strive to be an equal-opportunity Option.

5. The Bioshock Option

 

 

Is man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? To escape the restrictive and unimaginative forces of secularism, build an advanced underwater city replete with Art Deco stylings and vending machines that sell spiritual powers. Secluded communities devoted to the perfection of humankind never go wrong!

 

 

6. The Xenogears Option

 

 

Flee to a quaint countryside village and enjoy the quiet and idyllic life of an innocent bumpkin, unburdened by all the cares of a broader world embroiled in endless conflict. Breathe the fresh air and enjoy the company of friendly locals, all the while remaining blissfully unaware that humans are not really human at all, but the mass raw material for a biological planet-devouring superweapon, which crash-landed on your planet ten thousand years ago after real human beings banished it from Earth. This will sustain your prayer life.

 

 

Solid Option . . . even if Grandma shows up at the pool party.

7. The Sims Option

 

 

Build your ultramodern monastery in the suburbs and accessorize it with the hottest decorations and furniture from thirty overpriced addon packs. Cultivate an atmosphere of contemplation and holiness in your household, and if any troublemakers arise, lead them into the pool and delete the ladder for a permanent baptism.

 

 

This Option is probably your best bet.

8. The Half-Life 3 Option

 

 

What if, like, reality is just a computer simulation, and we’re all, like, strapped into one of Gabe Newell’s VR devices, and we’re living inside Half-Life 3? The gameplay of Half-Life 3 consists entirely of whatever we happen to be doing at the moment. Therefore, let us make Half-Life 3 a game about devoted prayer and handing down our sacred values to our children and our children’s children in our protected communities.

We will also institute a program of extreme vetting to ensure no headcrab-infested individuals make it past our wall.

 

 

Clearly the best Option.

9. The Minecraft Option

 

 

Why love your neighbor or make disciples of all nations when you can instead build an impenetrable stone fortress in the sky to keep out the groaning progressive masses? And while you’re at it, might as well construct a handy conveyor belt to carry that burdensome cross Jesus told you to take up. Perfect!